So Small
by loveferries
Summary: Sequal to Teachers Teaching Teachers.
1. Chapter 1

What you got if you ain't got love  
The kind that you just want to give away  
It's ok to open up  
Go ahead and let the light shine through  
I know it's hard on a rainy day  
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone  
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing  
Is just a grain of sand  
And what you've been out there searching for forever  
Is in your hands  
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all  
It sure makes everything else seem  
So small

It's so easy to get lost inside  
A problem that seems so big at the time  
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole  
[ So Small lyrics found on   
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change  
And worrying about all the wrong things  
Time's flying by, moving so fast  
You better make it count cause you can't get it back  
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing  
Is just a grain of sand  
And what you've been out there searching for forever  
Is in your hands  
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all  
It sure makes everything else seem  
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing  
Is just a grain of sand  
And what you've out there searching for forever  
Is in your hands  
And then you figure out love is all that matters after all  
It sure makes everything else  
Oh, it sure makes everything else seem  
So small 


	2. Chapter 2

He left. He acctually left. Now she was really alone. Totally alone. This is what she wanted. Wasn't it? She didn't have to do anything. She could cut.

She dropped her tea on the floor. She walked away not even hearing the crash of the peices of glass spray over the floor. She walked into the bathroom. She started to run a bath. She didn't want for anyone to have to clean up the blood. It would just go down the drain. The open drain that would never close. She would never be able to close it no matter how hard she tried.

She took the razor and just looked at it. It had so much power. It had the power to take all of the pain away. It could take her out of the oblivian that she was stuck in. She placed it on the side of the tub and got in. She didn't take off her cloths. She didn't care. It wouldn't matter if she was naked or clothed in a few moments. Nothing would matter.

She picked up the razor and held it in her hand. Both of her hands rested on her folded legs the razor on top of her hands. This would be easy. One cut and everyone she hurt would be ok. All the problems that she had caused would be gone because she wouldn't be here. Derek would be ok.

He loved her. He loved her but he couldn't let her go. It was the same for her. She loved him with all her heart and she just couldn't let him go. She couldn't let him go so this was the only way to let him be happy.

She remembered their rules. She wasn't suppost to protect him but she had to. She had to stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

She picked up the razor and placed it on her wrist. It was cold. So cold that she didn't believe it was real. The cold was symbolic of what she would feel. What she would feel if she did what she set out to do. The cold is what she was hoping for. Its what she needed.

She pushed into the skin but when she went to slice. She couldn't. She couldn't do it to her self. She couldn't do it because of Derek.

"Damn it!" She exclaimed as she threw the razor. "Damn it. Damn it. Damn it." She yelled as she stood up and threw all of the products out of the tub. Most of them hit the mirror which shattered. She suddenly felt light headed. She looked down at the tub and saw blood.

"No, no I didn't cut. I didn't cut." She screamed as she quickly tried to get out of the tub. She tried to get out so fast that she slipped. She slipped on the floor into the glass shards. She screamed in pain as she felt the glass cut into her skin. 'No I didn't do it.' She thought to her self.

She looked around but all she saw was blood. Blood poured out of her. The one thing that she wanted to do was happening but it wasn't the same. It wasn't under her control.

"Oh God" Someone yelled from behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

"Derek, I need Derek."

------------

She hurt. She hurt so much. She couldn't move with out something hurting more. So she didn't move at all. There was no reason to. The man she loved didn't come. He didn't come and now she was alone. She had never felt so alone before. She couldn't take it. Christina and George had found her. She told them to get Derek, yet he wasn't here. She was in the hospital and he wasn't with her. He didn't care any more. So why should she.

She picked up the phone and started to dial a number she knew very well. It rang once. It rang twice. He wasn't home. It rang three times. "Hello"

"Hi, its me." She said in to the phone.

"Hey Mer, whats up?"

"I am willing to look past what you did. I want to get back together with you Mark." Meredith said completly sure of what she was saying.

"Mer" Christina said coming into the room.

"Just a second Mark." She covered the phone with her hand. "What is it Christina?" 

"Mark? What the hell are you talking to him for?" She asked

"Derek isn't here. He doesn't care. So I am moving on. I don't care if he doesn't."

"Meredith, hang up the phone."

"No Christina I am getting myself a date. I figured you would like that so now you wouldn't have to hear me mopping."

Christina took the phone from Meredith and brought it up to her mouth. "Sorry, asshole, but she won't be calling you back." She hung up the phone and Meredith stared at her.

"How could you do that. I am trying to be ok here. I don't want to be dark and twisty. I just want everything to be ok." She said as she started to cry.

"Well everything is not ok. Derek is here."

"He...He is. He came." She said quietly. Something was wrong. Christina was being to nice.

"He was in a car accident..." Meredith didn't hear anything she said past that. He was coming. He was coming and got hurt because of her.

"Oh God, is he alive." She asked as she started to pull off the blankets.

"Yes but they have to take him into surgery. He is in the e.r. right now waiting for a OR." Meredith quickly got out of bed wincing from the pain.

"I have to get to him. I...I have to tell him I am sorry." She said as she went as quickly as she could out of the room.

"Mer, You don't know everything about your..." She didn't hear everything. She just needed to get down there. She needed to tell him that she lied. That she did love him and that she wasn't going to die. That she wanted to die when she was 110 in his arms. That she didn't want anything more than a life time with him.

"I don't care Christina. I need to find him." She wipped away a tear.

She made her way down to the ER with Christina following close behind. She found his room after Christina had pointed her in the right direction.

Christina was about to follow her in but Meredith stopped her. "No, I have to do this alone."

Meredith walked into the room. There was another person in the room but she didn't notice. All that she noticed was Derek. He looked like he was sleeping but it was different. This wasn't Derek sleeping. He wasn't relaxed. He was upset and she could tell.

She walked over to him and picked up his hand. She put it to her bandaged covered cheek. "Derek" She wispered. His eyes fluttered. She had never seen anything so beautiful. He looked up at her but he seemed that it was more past her than acctually at her. The other doctor left the room.

"You're pretty." He said in a slightly slurred voice. She could tell that he was druged. "Lets have sex. I like sex. You like sex. Then we can make another baby. Then you can be ok again." He said as he caressed her cheek. She giggled a little.

"Derek, I'm sorry. I love you so much. I am so sorry I said that about you. I was so stupid. I will never say that to you again. But you have to make it through this surgery. Please I would never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me. Please you can't die. You can't die until you are 110 and you are in my arms. You just can't." She put her head on his chest.

"Don't worry. Derek loves you too. He just wants Meredith to be happy. Nothing matters to him more to him more."

"Meredith doesn't care about anything more than Derek either." She said to him as she caressed his cheek.

"Derek was coming to check on Meredith. He was really scared. He was mad that he left. He is really sorry that he left Meredith. He just needed to calm down. But he still loves her a lot." He said giving her a sloppy smile.

"Derek was sad when Mer said that stuff to him. But he still wants more babies with her. But only if she wants them." She ran her fingers through his hair.

"Meredith does want them but she needs time and for Derek not to leave. She was really sad when he left." She said as a tear fell down his face.

"Don't be sad Meredith. Derek won't leave again." He said as he traced her lips with his finger. "Now, does Derek get a good luck kiss. He really wants one. But it has to be open mouth." She giggled.

"Yes, Derek can get a kiss." She went to kiss his lips but he stopped her. "Don't you want a kiss?" She asked for a second forgetting that he was lying in a hospital bed about to go into surgery.

"Derek wants a kiss." He said matter-of-factly.

"And where exactly would Derek be?" She asked trying to hide the giggle knowing that it was the drugs talking not him.

"He is down there." He pointed towards his groin. Meredith didn't understand for a moment. Then she moved down to his knees.

"Is he right here." She said as she kissed his knee.

"Nope."

She moved up to his chest. "Here?"

"Nope, lower."

She got to his groin. "Here?" She giggled as he nodded his head vigorusly.

"Sorry looks like you will be the only one getting kisses." She giggled as she kissed his lips. She opened her mouth as his tounge probed into hers.

"I love you." Wispered Derek.

"I love you too. So much. I can't live with out you. So you have to make it through this, Derek. You have to." The tears came again.

"I will. Don't worry. I hear that its bad for you. Especially now." He wispered the last part as he put a hand on her stomach.

"Ok," Some doctors walked in and told her that he had to go. "I love you. I will be here when you get out. OK?" She said as they started wheeling him out of the room.

"I love you more." He yelled after she had to stop.


	4. Chapter 4

Christina had gotten her back into her bed but Meredith wasn't talking. Christina had gone to get some food. She was crying but she couldn't speak. They had to wait in her room to get an information on Derek. Meredith's mother had been good friends with the Cheif at this hospital so she was able to get information. Her doctor walked in after an hour of being back in her room.

"Good morning Meredith. How are you doing?" The way to perky doctor asked her.

"I'm as fine as I can be."

"Good, I don't think that the glass will give you any scars and it doesn't seem to have had any ill effect on the baby either." She said with a smile.

"The...WHAT?" Meredith asked. No this couldn't happen. She and Derek had to get their life together. They couldn't be pregnent. They had only had sex once and she hadn't even orgasmed. It was more for him. It wasn't them making love. It was Derek fucking some random girl. She didn't want her baby to be concerved this way. She didn't even know that Derek had made it through the surgery. It had been a rutine surgery but there were complications. She didn't know how to do this. She couldn't. Yet she couldn't take her hand off her stomach.

"Oh...I'm sorry your friend was suppost to tell you."

"No its...fine. Um have you heard anything about Derek Shephards surgery. Some one was suppost to come and tell me how he was but I haven't heard anything yet."

"No I havent but if I do you will be the first one to know."

"Thank you" she said as the doctor left the room.

She was having a baby. She was having Derek's baby. She was happy. She was over the moon happy but then there was fear. Thier last baby died. Their last baby had died becuase of her. It was her fault and know she was put in the same position.

A different doctor walked in.

"Is he..." She swallowed a deep breath. "Is he ok?"

"He made it out of surgery and he woke up." The doctor was odviously leaving something out.

"What is it? What are you not telling me?"

"He seems to have had some memory loss. He doesn't remember anything since he got out of college."

"He...he...doesn't remember me?"

"No, I'm sorry but we think that it might be just some slight brain swelling. Its possible that he will fully regain his memory but we have no idea when."

"Oh...God." She felt sick. She couldn't breath. He didn't remember them. Her and her baby. He knew. Yeserday he knew that she was pregnent. He knew and now he didn't. The doctor left the room as Christina entered. "Thanks for telling me I'm pregnent."

"Ya well now you know. I tried to tell you yesterday but you wouldn't listen."

"I'm leaving." Meredith wispered.

"Good, this place is a hell hole." She just shook her head.

"No, I'm leaving Boston. I can't be here having Derek's baby with out him here. I have to get away from Boston."

"Mer, he might remember, there is always medical treatments. You don't want to have him remember you and then find out you had a baby with out him."

"No if he doesn't remember I can't see him. I just can't. I am going to leave and I will go and teach some where else. I'll give you my number and address. If he remembers then you can call me. We can be the family he has always wanted. I just can't do this with him there. But not there. I JUST CAN'T." She covered her eyes. She could feel the tears starting. She didn't want to leave Derek but how could she not. She just couldn't see him and not be with him. "Can you get me discharge papers." Christina nodded and walked out of the room.

She knew that she was doing the wrong thing. She just couldn't stop herself. She was done. Derek and her were just not ment to be. They had never had an easy time. She didn't mind working for a relationship but this was to much. This was not right.

We just weren't meant to be.


	5. Chapter 5

She was ready to leave. She had to be at the airport in less than three hours but she couldn't leave him. She couldn't do it with out saying goodbye. She was in the doorway but couldn't get herself to go into the room. She was fine until she got to the acctual room. Now she was scared. She was scared of acctually having to say goodbye. Of really leaving him. He would be better off. He would forget about her and all of the pain that she caused them and he would move on. He would meet someone perfect and have his perfect family.

She took a deep breath and entered the room. He was asleep. She sat down in a chair next to his bed and watched the rise and fall of his chest. She let a tear fall from her eye and then she couldn't take it. She had to feel him one last time. She climbed into the bed and layed her head on his chest. She let her self cry as he wrapped his arms around her. He still didn't seem to be waking up. She didn't want him to. She wanted him to stay asleep. She didn't want their last moments together to be him calling secruity to throw this weird woman who was laying on him out of his room.

"I love you, Derek." She wispered.

He started to stir under her. She quickly climbed off of him as his eyes opened. For a moment she felt herself begging him to tell her to climb back into his chest and tell her that he could never forget her. But she knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Hi" He wispered. She heard the strange tone of his voice. It was probably from the surgery but to her it was just another thing telling her that this wasn't her Derek.

"Hi...um...sorry...I should...uh...go." She said. She started to turn around but he stopped her.

"Wait, do I know you?"

"Um..." She could tell him yes. 'Yes you know me. We are expecting a baby together.' and then he would pull her into his arms and kiss her like he always did. "No, sorry." She turned back around and ran away from everything that ever mattered to her.


	6. Chapter 6

There she was sitting on an airplane. She was leaving everything that she had heald close. Her hands rubbed her stomach. The place where a small baby bump would soon form. She felt the tears start to come. She took a deep breath trying to keep the tears at bay. She knew how much Derek had wanted a baby and now she was pregnant. Derek would have been so happy. He would have jumped up and down. He would have ran out to get clothes, held her hair when she puked but now she was going to be doing that all alone. She wouldn't have a lot of money but she would deal with it. She needed this peice of Derek. If she couldn't have him she might as well have a peice of him. She would do this for him and then after a short amount of time she would go back. She would. She promised herself she would. She would have to any way because of her mother. She wasn't in great health so at one point Doctor Webber would call and tell her that she needed to come home. She would go home to Boston but right now there was nothing to do but run.

"Our plane will be landing in twenty minutes. Thank you for flighing Jet Blue." The stewardest said on the intercom. She was twenty minutes away from her new life. A life away from everything. A new life for her and her baby.

---------

She fell on to the bed. The one bedroom apartment that she had rented came fully furnish which she was very thankful for right now. Tomarrow she would have to go and talk to the principal at one of the local schools about finishing her internship. She had missed alot of time in Boston so she thought that it would be easist to just restart since a new semester was starting. But right at that moment all she could think off was sleep.

_She was standing in a white dress. There was a small crowd sitting infront of her and Derek._

_"You may kiss the bride." Said the preist standing on the opposite side of the crowd. Derek put his hand behind her neck and brought her lips to his. They must have been kissing for to long for the little toddler in the flower girl dress. She felt a tug at the wedding dress and she pulled away from Derek to look down at the girl. Meredith bent down and picked her up._

_"Daddy, Lizzy kiss too." The girl said. She must have been less than two._

_"Of corse I will give Lizzy kisses too." He said as he kissed her all over her face. She giggled and sank farther into Meredith. He wrapped his arms around her and Meredith and pulled them closer to him. He brought his lips closer to Meredith's ear and wispered in it. "I never thought that we would get here. But I am glad we did." She giggled as he started to kiss her neck. "I'm glad you came back to me. Now I have the two best things in my life." She giggled again and wispered back._

_"I'm glad I came back."_

_"You relize I knew that you were gone right. I didn't even know you and I knew that I was missing something."_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

_"And me." Asked the Lizzy who odviously knew she was being left out._

_"And I love my beautiful daughter too." Derek said as he tickled her sides. "I love my entire beautiful family."_

She was jolted awake by this dream. She looked out the window and saw that it was already dark. She felt hungry but she couldn't will herself to get out of bed. She layed there as the sobs wracked her body. She just had to wait for Christina to call. Once he remembered her, she would go back. She just needed Christina's call.


	7. Chapter 7

One Year Later

She was back. She was back at Boston. Her and her amazing daughter were back at Boston. But it wasn't for him. She had to go to the hospital for her mother. Ellis was sick and now she had to go back to Boston. She hadn't talked to any one since she left. She talked to Christina the day after she left to give her the address and phone number. No one knew that she was coming back either except for Doctor Webber. He called her when he said that my mother was in the hospital.

She entered the hospital. Diper bag in one hand and carseat in the other. Her life had changed so much in the last year. Now her beautiful daughter Elizabeth was the biggest part of her life. She only wished that Derek was able to be a part of her life too. She knew that it was her fault. She shouldn't have left but it was to hard. To hard to see him every day in school but not acctually being able to be with him.

"Meredith, how are you?" Asked dr. Webber as she walked up.

"Great, how are you?"

"I can't complain. And who is this." He asked leaning towards Elizabeth.

"This is my pride and joy Elizabeth."

"She is beautiful." She could see the question on his face.

"She is Derek Shephards baby." Webber knew Derek because his father used to work with him.

"Does he know." Meredith just shook her head. "Would you like to see him. He might be sleeping."

"He is still here?" She asked suprised.

"Yes, he went into a nursing home after you left and two days ago he was brought in with a case of Phenomia. Its not contagious so don't worry about that. So do you want to see him."

Um..." She wanted to say yes. She wanted to see him. "Well only if he is asleep."

"I understand. Lets go there before seeing your mother." He lead her towards the elevator and towards a closed door. "I'll be back in a half an hour to get you." He walked away leaving her there all alone. She took a deep breath and push his door open quietly. She peaked in and saw him asleep. She let out the breath that she didn't relize she was holding. She quietly walked in and set Elizabeth down in one of the chairs.

She didn't know what she was doing. She felt like she was on autopilot. She hadn't known what she was going to do when she saw him for the first time. But now it was just simple. It was there.

She sat down on the side of his bed and gently picked up his hand. It felt exactly the same. Nothing about him seemed different. She put his hand on her face so it cupped her cheek like he had done so many times before. She sat there basking in the relief of having Dereks hands touch her again. She loved looking at his sleeping face. He didn't look peaceful like he used to sleep but he looked good.

She was knocked out of her trance when her baby started to cry. She hurried over to her, hoping not to wake Derek up. Meredith sat down in one of the chairs and lifted up her shirt to feed Liz. Meredith must have been going to slow for her daughter because she started to get louder. She didn't notice Derek start to stir until she had placed the blanket over her hungry baby.

She looked up and was startled to see the blue eyes she remembered so well. "Oh I'm sorry I will get out of here." She said trying to keep her eyes away from the ones watching her.

"No..." He said to quickly. "I mean...you don't have to leave."

She settled back into her seat making sure to keep herself covered. "Thanks."

"You know that most men would have told you to stay because they have a shot at seeing your boob but not me."

"Oh really." She giggled. It felt normal. Like this is how it should have always been.

"Really. See I have your best intrest in mind. See if you stop feeding that baby it will cry." He said with a McDreamy smile.

"But won't the crying annoy you which means that you are trying to keep your best intrest in mind."

"No see if she cries you will pull out your hair and I wouldn't want you to do that because you have pretty hair."

"So you want me to keep my hair because you think that its pretty. Once again in your best intrest."

He srugged his shoulders in a way that could turn only her on. "So what are you here for. Except for harrassing a pacient."

"I have to visit my mother. She is sick." His face seemed to droop. He was sad. He was concered.

"I'm sorry to hear that." He reached out and took the hand that wasn't holding Elizabeth.

"Its ok." She said as she moved the baby away from her chest and fixed her shirt. "I haven't seen her in a while." She shook her head trying to get rid of the tears. "So how are you feeling. Have you remembered anything?" As soon as she said it she wished that she could take it back. She wasn't suppost to know about him.

"I'm fine but how did you know that I have amnesia?"

She had to think of something quickly. "I heard some doctors out in the hall."

"Oh so they are talking about me." He said. He had a smug look on his face. Like he was impressed that they were talking about him. He suddenly had the light-bulb look on his face. "I just relized that we have been having a conversation for some time now and I don't even know your name."

"I'm Meredith and this is Elizabeth."

"Well I am Derek. I love the name Elizabeth. Its my mothers name."

"I..." She almost said I know. That was the reason she named her Elizabeth. She wanted her daughter to have a peice of her father. "I love her name too."

"I like your name too. Its original and beautiful." He said in a wisper-like tone.

"Umm...I have to go." She said quickly. "It was nice talking to you." She wouldn't look at him as she packed her things up.

He grabbed her hand after she put Liz in her carseat. "Mer," the nickname came out so normally. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes. "Come back tomarrow, Ok?"

"Sure but...uh...why?" She felt like he was back. She would know that they would work. It all depended on his response.

"Because this place is so boring," Nope. Wrong answer. It wasn't him. "You come in here and its so much more exciting. Your like coming up for fresh air. I want to get to know you better." He said with the McDreamy smile.

Tears started to form in her eyes. She tried to keep them hidden. "I will be back." she said as her voice cracked. He was hers. He had no idea who she was and still took her breath away. "I will come back for you." He couldn't see the meaning in her words as she left the room but they meant more to her than anything. They were a promise. The promise that she hadn't been good about keeping. But everything is changing. But that promise will stay the same.


	8. Chapter 8

She placed the carseat on the floor and slid down next to it. She put her face in her hands and let the tears fall.

What had she done. After fifteen minutes with him and he was already flirting with her. She could have had him. He was in a nursing home for old people when he should have ben with her. She should have been there. He was going to remember. She could see it in his eyes. She could have had this a year ago. But she ran. She ran away from everything that he ofered her. But not again. She refused to run again.

"Meredith?" She heard Dr. Webber wisper. "How is he?"

"He is great. He is perfect." She wispers as she takes her face out of her hands. "He was flirting with me. He was Derek."

"Well thats good, isn't it?"

"Its great, but why did I leave. I could have had Derek and now...now I am a single mother stalking a paicient who doesn't remember me." She cried.

Dr. Webber sat down next to her and pulled her into a hug. "Your going to do fine, Mer. All three of you are going to be fine."


	9. Chapter 9

She took the rental car after seeing her mother. Her mother seemed to have had a stroke but she seemed better again. She would be going back to the home in two days and she seemed to be fine once again.

But once she left the hospital she relized that she had no idea where she could go. So she went to her persons house. She pulled in and took the car seat out of the back. When she knocked on the door and didn't hear anything moving she rang the door bell three times. Then she heard her best friend.

"You better be someone damn important." She yelled. When she opened the door and saw Meredith the corrners of her lips seemed to curl up. Not enough to constitute a smile but close enough for Meredith. "Your back."

"I'm back." She confermed.

She moved to let Meredith to come into the apartment. "So who is the shit machine?" Christina asked pointing to Liz.

"This is the greatest thing that has come in to my life, Elizabeth." She said as she picked her up out of the car seat. Christina walked into the kitchen. Meredith followed after grabing a blanket so she could fed Liz.

"Are you hungery?" She looked over to her odviously disgusted by Meredith breast feeding.

"Sure." She nodded as she sat in one of the island chairs. "I talked to him today." She said after a minute of silence.

"Really?" Christina asked turning around and sitting on the counter as the soup cooked. "How did that go?"

"I'm going to see him tomarrow. He was flirting with me. It was him. He was like his old self again." She said with a dazzed look on her face. "I can't believe I left. I was so wrong."

"I tried to tell you." she said puting a plate of food infront of her.

"I had dreams of him every night. Some times they were of things that we had done but I had others of the future. Like in one we were getting married." She still had a dazzed look in her eyes. "It was perfect." She let a tear fall. "Could you take her for a second?" She didn't wait for an answer to hand Christina the baby. She walked out of the room and to the small luggage bag that she had brought in with her. She took out a old letter and walked into the bathroom.

She remembered the day that she got that letter.

_It was the first day of school for the new student teachers. She was walking up the stairs with Mrs. McNichol. They had already gone throught the introductions and the explinaion of the name change. She had gotten married to another teacher who was with her the night that she saw Meredith and Derek in the car together._

_"Come meet my husband and then I will show you around." Meredith just nodded her head. _

_Just as they rounded a corner Meredith walked into a man that she recognized. "Oh sorry..." He said as he looked at her. He hadn't noticed until now that it was the woman that he had been hoping to get a call from. "Hey." He said acting cooly. _

_Their eyes hadn't shifted away from eachother until they heard someone clear their throat. They both looked to the two teachers standing before them. "Meredith, this is my husband."_

_"Hello." She said as she stuck out her hand._

_"Hello to you too Meredith. I would introduce you to my student teacher but I think that you always know Mr. Shephard."_

_"Uh...yes I have met Ms.Grey." Said Derek quickly._

_"Ok well we have to talk for a moment so we will be right back." Said Mrs. McNichol as both her and her husband walked into a room._

_"So hows your first day?" Derek asked a clearly annoyed Meredith._

_"How could you have not told me that we had teachers with the same name?" She said crossing her arms._

_"If I had told you would you have given me the time of day?" Derek asked as he leaned one arm next to Meredith's head on the wall. So he was hovering over her._

_"No" She said not looking in his eyes._

_"Thats why. I really want to get to know you. Really, really want to know you." He said breathly as he leaned closer so his lips were centimeters away from hers. He raised her chin so she would look his eyes. Uncontiously she licked her lips which threw Derek over the edge. He crashed his lips with hers. She ran her hands through his hair but quickly pulled away._

_"We are not doing this. I am here to learn not to have some random fling." She walked down the hall away from him._

_The next day she was walking towards the door to which Mrs. McNichol had given her a key to. She noticed a letter on the door. It had her name written neatly across the center. She recognized the hand writing. It was Dereks. She knew it from the napkin that she had kept with his phone number on it. _

_She opened the door and quickly put it in the recycle bin. She walked away from it and sat down at the desk and started to do the work that she had to get done before school started. She glanced up to the bin where the letter was but she just shook it off. She tried to concentrate on her work but it didn't work. she quickly got up and walked over to the bin and took the letter out._

She sat down on the toilet with the seat down and pulled out the letter.

Dear sweet Meredith,

I know that we don't know each other very well but I want to. I have never met someone who I felt a connection to so quickly. I saw you and knew that I wanted to know you better. Please just give me the chance to. I can't say where we will end up but I know that you arn't a fling. You didn't start out as a fling and I won't have you thinking that we are ending this as a fling.

So please, come and see me. I promise that you won't regret it. I know that I won't.

Derek

P.S. I won't forget about you.

She cried as she thought about what those words meant today. She just wished that this all hadn't happened. Everything would be perfect if she hadn't gotten hurt.

'No she could think like that. That was how she got into this whole mess.' She thought to herself. She heard Liz start to get fussy in the kitchen and quickly folded the paper back up and put it into the envelope.

"I won't forget about you either Derek."


	10. Chapter 10

She once again walked into Derek's hospital room the next day. He was laying in the bed reading a book and didn't notice her until she had sat down.

"Hey" He smiled.

"Hello again. So what are you up to today?"

"Oh, just reading, then I will have lunch, then I will read some more, then eat dinner, then maybe watch a little tv." He joked.

She giggled. He seemed to be transfixed on her giggle. He was like a baby who recognized its mothers voice. "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm fine. I wish I could just go home. I have a trailer you know."

She gasped in suprise. She had no idea. "No I didn't. How long have you had it?"

"Oh about three years. Ever since I moved here. I own the land."

"Why didn't you build a house on it insted of getting a camper?"

"First of all its a very high end trailer. Second of all I want to wait until I find the person that I will grow old with to build a house. I want it to be special." This put her back. She must not be that person. He never even mentioned the land or trailer. It wasn't her. "You know that I found that person. I had the plans made up before I got hurt but I don't know who she is."

"You don't remember anything about her?"

"No, my mother won't tell me anything that I said about her. She said that if she wasn't here then she wasn't the right woman." Tears began to well up in her eyes. He was right. She left him when he needed her the most. "Mer, are you crying?" He asked. The nickname rolled right off his tounge like he used to.

She lets the tear fall as she tries to come up with a good explination. "Um...I just wish...you were with me...your...like...perfect." She choked out.

"Come here." He said as he waved her closer to the bed. She slowly made her way over to the bed with Liz in her arms. He pats the bed motioning her to sit down. "Let me see her." He slowly reached out and took Liz out of her arms. He heald her close to his chest and looked down at her. "You know after you left yesterday I was thinking the same thing about you. Your a great mother and...just...you seem perfect. Like I already feel totally confortable." He didn't look at Meredith when he said this. Just kept looking at Liz. "Does she look like her father?" He asked.

"Yes, she has his eyes and his smile." She said as Liz giggled and reached for his nose when he rubed it against hers. "She is just lucky she didn't get his nose." She giggled lightly.

"Are you in love with him?" He asked seriously. Finally meeting her eyes.

"Yes" his eyes shifted back down "and no" She took one of his hands. "I love him with all my heart. We just can't be together right now." Her eyes start to tear again hoping that Derek wouldn't take that as a reason to stop trying to get her. Her fears were denied when he wrapped an arm around her waist pulling her down to her level. She placed her head on his chest and just cried. Derek dropped a kiss on the top of her head. He rubbed her arm as he held her close to him. She put her hand on his chest and watched it rise and fall.

She should tell him. She was the woman. She was his. Liz was his. And they loved him. They wanted to be with him. They needed to be with him. She had never seen Liz accept someone this quickly. Meredith hadn't made many friends when she moved but the when she had been held by others she didn't like it. Yet she was totally content in Derek's arms. She knew who it was. To bad Derek didn't.

She suddenly got off of Derek leaving him feeling cold and lonely. "I'm sorry. I can't believe I just broke down in front of you. I am such an idiot."

"Hey." He grabed her hand and pulled her back to him. "Your not an idiot. Your the smartest person I know." He said running his thumb over her hand.

"You have amnesia." She stated dryly. "You don't remember a lot of those people." She said taking Liz out of his arms. His face fell.

"So what. I might not have known you for very long but I know that. You are incredible." Meredith took a deep breath.

"Thats the thing Derek." She said as she placed Liz in the carseat. "You do know me and I'm tired. I'm just tired and I don't know how long I can do this."

She picked up the carseat and began to leave the room. She turned around when she got to the door. "I love you, Derek."


	11. Chapter 11

Derek sat watching the door as she left. She loved him. She knew him. He had felt a strage pull to her and Liz the first time he met them but why hadn't she been there before. Why was she just now coming to see him.

Was Liz his. Was that his baby. He could see himself in her but he didn't know her. If it was his child shouldn't he be pulled to her. Shouldn't he have known that it was his baby.

She had felt right laying in his arms today. It felt amazing. Like he wanted to do it for the rest of his life. She was perfect.

Was she the woman who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wanted to know that all of this was right. He had been watching a series on tv where a man woke up from a coma and the woman who wanted to be with him had tricked him into believing that she was the love of his life. He didn't want his life to be screwed up like that. He had to be sure that it was her.

-------------------

She drove back to Christina's house. She had to hold the tears back. Usaually she would be sobbing while driving the way home after what had happened. But now she couldn't. She had changed so much with one little person. Now she had another life to take care of. She couldn't do anything that would risk the little life that she loved so much.

She pulled up to Christina's and brought the baby in. "Christina. I need my person." Meredith yelled probably waking her up.

"I brought tequilla." christina as she came down the stairs.

"Christina, I'm breastfeeding. I can't drink."

"I know but if you are going to bable on about McDreamy then I am going to need this."

They both sat down on the couch both waiting for the other one to start speaking.

"So what happened that you had to wake me up for."

"I told him I loved him." She said as she put her hands over her face.

"So why are you two not fucking all over the hospital or something."

"Christina." She yelled as she covered Liz's ears.

"Oh Meredith you know that she has no idea what we are talking about."

"I don't care. I don't want her to know those words. And you would be supprised how much she does take in."

"Ok good for you special, swear word hearing child but what happened with Derek."

"I told him that I loved him. And then I walked out. He didn't do anything." She layed back on the couch. "Oh my god is he paralized."

"No I've seen him walking around."

"Oh good." Meredith said.

"So why didn't you let him say anything?"

"What do you mean?" She said as Christina took back another shot.

"What if he had something to say? What if he is out looking for you right now because he remembers?"

"He doesn't. He would have chased me out. I figure why give him the chance to hurt me by not remembering." Meredith said as she put a sleeping Liz back in her carseat.

"My God Meredith! What kind of an idiot are you? He loves you and you love him. Thats all that there is to it. What you were saying about him before makes me think that he is falling in love with you all over again. So whats the problem?"

"I just...I don't know...I want to go back to the way were used to be." Meredith ran a finger over her sleeping baby's cheek.

"Then go get him. Go and see what he thinks. Maybe he remembers something." She said pointing to the door.

"I can't. I think that maybe I should just move back to Seattle. I wasn't happy there but its better than here."

"Meredith Grey" Christina yelled. Meredith had never seen her get this upset. "Get off your lazy ass and go find him. You love him and you are not leaving him again. He does not deserve that. Niether do any of us. Do you know how down everyone has been since you left. You don't know and I get that it was to hard to be pregnant and around him but you are back and he is falling in love with you. So just stop this pitty fest and go get you man back."

"O...ok. I'll go" She stood up and looked in the mirror that was hanging in the living room. She looked like crap. Her eyes were red and puff. The little make up that she had worn was running. But she didn't have time. She grabed her coat.

"Wait what about the munchkin?" Christina asked.

"You have to keep her. She will be fine. She will probably sleep the entire time. There are bottles in that bag. Just heat up some water and leave it in there for a minute. Dippers are also in the bag. Please just do this for me and you will never have to baby sit again." Meredith promised.

"This better be worth it." Meredith ran back and hugged Christina tightly. "God. The mommy track has really killed dark and twisty Meredith hasn't it."

"Thank you so much Christina." She said as she dropped a kiss on Liz's head. "I love you baby. I'll be back soon with a daddy for you." She kissed him again as she was gone.

Christina sat there staring at the baby. The baby stared right back. "Well this is going to be fun." Christina wispered.

--------------

Meredith snuck into the hospital. She wasn't acctually suppost to be there because it was after visting hours.

She got to her room but saw the bed and room cleaned. The bed had been made and the lights were off.

"Excuse me." She said to a nurse. "Do you know where the man that was in here went?" She asked the young nurse.

"Oh...I'm sorry he passed away a hour ago." She said sympapathicly.

"He wha..." She said as the room began to spin. She blacked out as she fell to the floor.


	12. Chapter 12

"Meredith" Someone wispered as they gently shook her shoulder. "Meredith, can you hear me?" The person asked. She let out a low moan.

She opened her eyes to look at the person talking to her. "Derek?" She asked.

"No Meredith" The man wispered. "This is Richard Webber. Do you know who I am?"

"Yes." She said sadly. It was all coming back. Derek wasn't here because he was dead. He would never be there for her or Liz. Liz. She had frogotten about her. "Where is Liz?" She asked.

"Christina is bringing her now. You wern't out for very long but we want to keep you over night." He pushed the hair out of her face and leaned closer to her. "Do you know what happened?"

She looked up at the man who was like a father to her. "He's dead. He died when we were just getting to know him again. I just want him back." She cried to him.

"Who's dead, Meredith?" Webber asked.

"Derek. He's dead." She cries.

"He's not dead Meredith." He stated.

"What?" She asked taking her face out of her hands.

"He is right outside. He was released today."

"He's outside? Right now?" She asked.

"Yes. Derek" Richard yelled beconing him in.

Meredith looked towards the door and saw a very causious Derek walking in. "Hey" He wispered.

"Hi" She said quietly. She felt so stupid. How idiotic must he think that she was.

"Did they check her heart?" Derek asked Dr. Webber.

"Not..." He started to say but was cut off by Meredith.

"How did you know that they needed to check my heart?" She asked amazed.

"I...I...don't..." He studdered.

"I'll leave you two alone for a minute but you need to go up to get a MRI, Meredith." He said as he walked out of the room.

Derek walked closer to the bed. "I'm sorry. I was going to tell you today that I was getting out but..."

"I left kind abruptly." She said as she pulled her knees up to her chest.

"Ya" He said as he brushed some hair out of her face. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Derek couldn't take it. She seemed like the one. She seemed to care so much about him. But how could he just jump back with some one he didn't know. He didn't even know what her last name is. He took a deep breath and sat down in one of the chairs around her bed. She seemed to let her eyes get sader when he moved away from her. "I don't know what to do Mer." He said exasparated. "I feel like I should tell you that I love you. But then I think about how I don't really know you. I don't know your last name yet I want to hold you and make you feel better. I just don't know what to do." He said quietly.


	13. Chapter 13

"Derek..." She said quietly. She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Just stop. Its fine. I get that you don't know me so you really can't love me the way that I do for you. So you can go. You never have to see me again. If thats what you want. I love you enough to let you go." She said looking down and started to cry. "Can you just go?"

"I don't think that I can." He said quietly. She now noticed that he had came back to her bedside. "I don't want to leave you. I...I think that we should go out so I can get to know you. I want to get to know you. I don't know where it will go but I don't think that I can just leave you." He leaned down so he was a couple of inches away from her face. "Could I kiss you now?" He asked breathly. She just looked into his eyes hoping that she wasn't just dreaming. He slowly lowered his head towards her.

Meredith closed her eyes slightly so she could still see Derek but enough to see the magic in the soon to be kiss. He lowered his lips to Meredith's and felt the power between them.

Suddenly there was a spark. Something clicked. There was a new love in the air around them as Derek moved closer to her. "Mer..." He breathed. It was different. Not like it was just minutes before. There was something in it. "Meredith"

"Derek?" She asked causiously.

"Mer." He breathed again as he ran his hands through her hair. "Agggg" He suddenly screamed. He grabbed his chest and rolled off of Meredith. "God...it hurts." He yelled in pain. He was still clutching his chest as Meredith got off the bed and ran to his side.

"Derek...Derek whats wrong?" She asked getting scared.

"The pain..." He said with a strained voice. "I can't take it." He said squezing his eyes shut in pain. "The water, the baby, your heart, suicide. Oh god it just hurts so much."

She finally relized. He was remembering. Everything was coming back to him. All the pain that they had experienced over the two years that he hadn't remembered was coming back at once. "Its going to get better." She said trying to calm him. "Remember the good times." He kept his hand clutching his chest and his eyes tightly shut. "Look at me." He shook his head. "Derek look at me, now." She said the last word with a little more force. He causiously opened his eyes the pain still evident there. "You have to remember the good things in our past. Rememeber having sex in the class room, and proposing to me in a hospital bed just like this one, and..." Suddenly all that she could think of was sex. Sex on the boat. Sex in his car. Sex in the classroom. She couldn't think of any other times that she loved.

Then she remembered the day that they got back together in the hallway. After she had acindently kissed Mark. "He stands there, then walks away

My God, if I could only say  
I'm holding every breath for you" Meredith slowly sings. Her voice isn't perfect but it seems to calm Derek. His hand was relaxing and the color was coming back to his face. "He'd never tell you  
But he can play guitar  
I think he can see through everything but my heart  
First thought when I wake up is  
My God, he's beautiful  
So I put on my make-up  
And pray for a miracle" His face turns towards hers and his breathing returns to normal. "Yes, I could tell you  
His favorite color's green  
he loves to argue  
Oh, and it kills me  
His sister's beautiful  
He has his father's eyes  
And if you ask me if I love him...  
if you ask me if I love him...  
I'd lie" She finishes quietly watching the old Derek come out of the shell that he had been.

"Thats our love song." Meredith nodded her head vigourusly letting the tears fall again. Derek put his hand on the back of her neck and gently lowered the crying Meredith back to his lips. "I love you too" He wispered just before their lips met again. This kiss was much more heated than the last one. Derek moved his hand from her neck to the small of her back and pulled her on top of him. Meredith let out a small giggle. "God I miss that sound." He said as he rolled her on to her back. Derek pulled the blankets over the two of them. He rolled on top of her and pulled up the gown covering her body.

"Derek" She giggled trying to slap his hands away.

"Shhhh" He says in a wisper covering her lips with his. "We're going to have sex." He said jokingly as he nibbled on her neck.

"We can't. Docter Webber will be here any minute." She said as he started to tickle her sides.

"McDreamy get your ass of my person." Said the snarky voice of Christina behind them.

"Hey I haven't seen the love of my life in a year and you expect me to stop touching her?" He asked while still kissing Meredith.

"Why don't you go out and feed your kid so I can talk to the woman you are molesting?"

"Ok," He said as he hopped off the bed and leaned down to Meredith. "I love you" He wispered while pushing her hair out of her face.

"I love you too."


	14. Chapter 14

Meredith and Christina waited for Derek and Elizabeth to leave before they started talking.

Meredith looked at Christina and just smiled. "I'm happy." She stated.

"Ya, I can tell by that idiotic grin on your face." She snered. "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" Christina asked.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life." Meredith said as tears started to form in her eyes.

"Good I don't want to be sharing my bed with you and that poop machine for the rest of my life."

Meredith giggled but then looked towards the door silently wanting for Derek and Liz to come back in.

"Get that pittiful look off your face. I will go get them." Christina said as she walked to the door.

"Thanks"

------------

Derek and Liz walked out of the room to let Meredith and Christina talk. He took out the bottle and let his daughter eat.

He walked over and sat down in one of the chairs that was around her room.

"Oh sir your baby is so cute." Said a young woman in the hall. "Whats her name?"

"This is Elizabeth." He said never looking away from the baby.

"You know, I love a man with a baby." The woman says as she sits down next to him and places a hand on his thigh. At the same moment Christina comes out of the room and sees Derek with a woman's hand on his thigh.

Derek immidiatly felt unconfortable being that close to another woman. "I'm sorry but are you hitting on me?" Derek asks unbelievably. He finally looks at the woman seeing no other than his youngest sister.

"Sorry but no. I don't go for insecst." She giggles as she stands up to hug him.

------------

"Meredith, I don't want to kill the whole happy thing but Derek is out there hugging some woman." Christina said still not sure about what she had seen.

"Are you sure your talking about my Derek? It dosn't really sound like something he would do." She asked thinking that Christina was just joking.

"Take a look for your self." Meredith causiously got out of bed and walked to the door. She fearfully opened the door and saw Derek talking closly to a very attractive woman. Meredith was just about to turn around when Derek looked her way.

"Mer" He calls out. She didn't stop and he relized what she thought happened. "Mer" He calls again and he runs after her with the baby still in his arms. He got to her just before she closed the door. He wrapped his arm around her waist and wispered in her ear. "Sister." She didn't seem to get it at first but then she started to push away from him harder.

"Hi I'm Sarah." She said putting her hand out.

"Meredith" She said shaking Sarah's hand. "Its nice to meet you."

"Its nice to meet you too." She smiled as she looked to the baby. "Oh and Derek, mom found out that you got your memory back and she will be here in a week."


	15. Chapter 15

They were driving. They were driving together for the first time in a year. It was akward. Neither of them really knew where they were going with each other. They didn't know if they were just going back to the way that they were. But they didn't know if they could.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked Meredith who had been staring out the window the entire drive.

"I'm fine." She said quietly. Derek placed his hand on her thigh trying to get her to open up.

"I was thinking that we could go and get some things for Liz. She will need some things for the trailer." He looked over at her causiously. "You guys are staying at my house, right?"

"If you want us to." She said lowly. Derek turned into the parking lot of Babies R Us and turned to her.

"I want nothing more than you to live with me. I still love you." He said as he caressed her cheek. "That never changed."

"I love you to." She said with tears in her eyes.

"Then lets go in." He quickly got out and went to the back seat. He lifted Liz out of her seat and carried her to where Meredith was standing. "We will need some things if my mother is coming."

Meredith quieted down again. Derek took her hand in his free one.

"Ok, so, we need a crib." Derek said.

"Oh...she dosn't really need a crib. We might want to just get her a playpen. It will be cheaper."

"Nonsence, my baby will get only the best. She needs a crib." He walked over to the crib section where he found a beautiful white crib. "This one is beautiful." He said as he lifted Liz to see it. She let out a giggle and seemed to have a very large smile on. "She likes this one Mer."

The first thing that Meredith looked at was the price tag. "Derek, I can't afford this." She said sadly.

"I can. And I want her to have everything." He took one of the tags so they could pick one up at the regester. "You are going to be so spoiled arn't you." He said talking to the baby.

Meredith lagged behind feeling more alone than ever.


	16. Chapter 16

Derek and Meredith arrived at the trailer and he quickly ran to the back and got Liz out of her seat. He popped the trunk and grabbed a couple of bags before going into the house. Meredith got out a little more slowly and got the swing out of the back. It was heavy and slipped in her grip. It fell to the ground and all that she could think of was the old days. Before everything happened there was no way that she would of had to carry something like that. She had always joked that he thought that she was a weak little girl but right now she wished it could be like that.

She finally picked it back up and went into the trailer only to see Derek and Liz playing together without her. That seemed like how it always was. Those two together and her left out. She loved Derek but she could help feeling like he was resenting her. Even if he didn't really know he was doing it he still was.

"Um, I think she is getting hungery." Meredith said quietly.

"Oh, ok." He said with a smile. He handed her to Meredith. She started to walk towards the bedroom when he stopped her. "Where are you going?" He asked her.

"I was going to feed her in the bedroom."

"Oh, why don't you just do it in here?"

"I would really rather do it there." He nodded and she continued walking. She closed the door behind her and laid down on the bed. She pulled up her shirt and let Liz latch on. "At least this is one thing that I can give you." The tears started to fall as she smoothed Liz's hair as she ate. "Maybe I should just give you to daddy. Maybe that is what would be best for you. I can't give you everything that he can." She started to break down even more. "I couldn't even give you a crib to sleep in. Daddy would give you everything that you ever wanted" she brushed her tears away "but I don't think that he wants me right now. The only reason I'm here is because I have a beautiful baby girl who belongs to a wonderful man. But I'm not a wonderful woman."

"Mer" Derek wispered from the door. Meredith looked down at where Liz was now sleeping on his chest. She covered herself up and walked past Derek. She put her down in the seat that Derek had set up and walked back into the bedroom with Derek. She closed the door hopping that Liz would stay asleep. "What was all that about?" Derek asked.

"Derek, I don't know what to do." she said not meeting his eyes.

"About what? Why do you want to give up custody?"

"I can't give her anything. She is with you for two days and she has everything. I have her for three months and I couldn't even give her a crib." She rose her voice at the end. She stood up as the tears started to flow again. "This will be the first time she has ever slept in a crib. How can I be a good mother if I can't even give her a crib to sleep in. Do you know that the first night I stayed in my apartment in Boston, I heard gun shots. They were so close that I couldn't sleep the entire night. That was the first time I thought about getting an abortion. I couldn't think about her living somewhere like that. I didn't want her to grow up in fear of getting shot in her own home." Derek stood up and wrapped his arms around her. She was stiff at first but quickly fell into his arms. "I spent the money that I had set aside for her crib on the best dead bolt that the store had. What kind of mother does that to her daughter?"

Derek unwrapped his arms. She was scared. What was he going to say to her? Was he going to be angry at her? Derek sat her down on the edge of the bed and kneeled infront of her. "Mer, is she alive? Is she health? Is she safe?" Derek lifted her chin so she looked him in the eyes. "You did everything for her. And you have no idea how much that makes me love you. You kept her safe when I couldn't. Thats why I want to give her everything. You gave her life and you give her food every day. Those are things that I can never give to her. You have given her so much so now you have to let me help. I know that its new to you but I'm not giving either of you up." He leaned up and kissed her lips softly. "I don't want anything without you. So I don't want to hear any of that stuff about letting me have her because it wouldn't be anything without you. Ok?" He said hugging her closely. He just felt her nod. He knew that she was crying but it was a good cry. A cry that meant that she was in this and she wasn't letting go.


	17. Chapter 17

Meredith rocked Liz to sleep as Derek made dinner. She had never had a rocking chair but she was loving it. Liz seemed to fall right to sleep while Meredith sat in it and it seemed to be having the same effect on Meredith. She had closed her eyes for a scecond when suddenly Derek was lifting Liz out of her arms and dinner was at the table.

"I must of just dozzed off, sorry."

"Don't appologize. You have a right to be tired." He said as he placed Liz in the crib Derek had set up before making dinner. "And tonight you will be getting plenty of sleep." He scooped some spagetti on to Meredith's plate and handed it to her. "Tonight I am going to get up will her. You are going to sleep." He said as he pushed some hair out of her face.

"Ok." She said simply as she started to eat her spagetti.

"Ok?" He asked supiciouly. "No fighting or anything?"

"No you were right. I have been doing this for three months alone. Its your turn." She smiled. "And besides, I know that you can't handle her all by yourself."

"What? You don't think that I can handle my own daughter?"

"No." She said simply. "I know that you can't handle her. And thats why I'm doing this." She said taking seconds on the spagetti. "You need to know how to calm her by your self. I know that you can do it once you get used to it."

"Well, thank you, I think?" He said running his foot up and down her leg. She let out a small giggle and Derek felt his heart swell knowing that it had come because of him. "Where are we?" He asked suddenly.

"What do you mean." She looks up at him with a smile on her face.

"You and me? Where are we in this relationship?" He says as he picks up the dishes. He places them in the sink then sits next to Meredith. He wraps an arm around her pulling her close. "I don't want to scare you away by talking about this but I don't want to scare you away by going to fast. I just want to know what you think."

She nuzzled into his chest trying to get away from the discusion she didn't want to talk about. "I don't know." She said as tears started to form in her eyes. "I don't want to go back to how things were." She said quietly.

"What?" He almost couldn't form an entire sentence. All that he wanted was to go back to how things were.

"I mean, I still want that. But I don't want to just jump back into it. We can't do us if we just go back. We need to take things slow and adjust." She sniffled as Derek wipped the tear from her cheek. "I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I can't be." She looked up at him. "And I really don't want to be."

He pulled her closer. "I don't want you to be either." He kissed the top of her head. "I loved you so much. But you have no idea how much I do now that you gave me a child." Tears start to well up in both of their eyes. "I never thought that I could love someone as much as I do right now, holding you. Its an amazing feeling and I am never letting it go. So you tell me where we stand and we will go from there."

She took a deep breath then looked him in the eyes. "I think that I will sleep on the couch tonight. Not as much because I don't want to sleep next to you but because I need to sleep near her." He looked down at her and smiled. He didn't like the fact that he wouldn't be sleeping next to her tonight but he had to do this at her pace. "And I think that we have to move at a pace that seems natural. It can't feel weird. That wouldn't be us." He chuckled and nodded his head.

"You're right that wouldn't be us. So lets not be weird. We will go with the flow." He said as he did a wavy movement with his arm. Meredith giggled again.

"We'll go with the flow." She said with a nod.

He looked down at her as she looked up at him. She still had a smile on her face and Derek thought about how he had never seen her so beautiful. He slowly lowered his lips to hers. They had kissed before but nothing like this. This kiss was different. She could feel the hope behind his touch as he caressed her arm and cheek. Everything was falling into place. Slowly but surely everything was coming together.


	18. Chapter 18

Derek put a dvd in the player and sat back on the couch. Meredith brought the popcorn over and sat down on the other side of the couch. Meredith didn't know what movie Derek had put in but the moment the picture came on she knew what it was. The Notebook. It had been their favorite movie to see before. It always made Meredith cry and she swore she could see tears forming in Dereks eyes.

He looked over at where Meredith was eating popcorn. "Hey are you going to share some of that with me?" He asked.

"Oh, sorry." She said quickly and handed him the bowl. She didn't look in his eyes and just watched the screen.

"I don't think that we are going with the flow." Derek wispered.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked back.

"I mean that I want to hold you while we watch this movie. And I think that you want me to." He said as he cocked his head to the side.

"Ok." She said as she slid into his open arms. She laid on his chest listening to his heart beat and thought that there was no place she would rather be.

--

The movie had finished over a half an hour ago but Derek could resist laying with her for just a little while longer. They had shifted positions so now she was laying on top of his chest with her head over his heart. She had fell asleep a hour before and Derek couldn't take his eyes off of her.

She looked so beautiful and peaceful. For once since she had come back he saw the real Meredith. Not one stressed or crying but her just being. Not trying to work towards something or feeling left out. She was the Meredith that he had known before.

The baby suddenly fussed in the crib next him. Meredith jolted awake on top of him. She quickly got up with out giving him a second glance and picked Liz up out of the crib before she got to loud.

Derek stood up next to her and reached out for the baby. "Its my turn remember. Why don't you go get on some pajamas and get ready for bed." Meredith reluclantly gave up the baby and walked towards his room.

"Do you think that I could barow some pajamas. The ones I brought are kind of dirty." She said before getting to the door.

"Of course. My shirts and boxers are in the top drawer." She thanked him and walked into the bedroom. She walked over to the drawer and opened it to see his boxers and shirts thrown into it roughly. She shead her clothes and threw them into the hamper. She pulled out one of the shirts and held it to her nose. It smelled like him. It was the smell that she had missed all of the months she had been gone.

She was so into his shirt that she hadn't heard the door slide open. "Mer, I..." He looked up to see her in only underwear and bra. She looked beautiful. She had a cotton plain white bra and hanes underpants. He had never seen her look so confortable.

She looked up at him suddenly and quickly covered her self up selfconciously. "Sorry I just..." Meredith said not meeting his eyes.

"Don't be sorry." He responded quickly. He took a step towards her feeling the way you did when you hadn't have sex in a year. She quickly took a step back but soon bumped against the wall. Derek moved closer and closer to her until he was looking right into her eyes. Her belly was doing back flips when he brought his hand up to her cheek. He slowly lowered his mouth to hers. He could feel her tense but she was soon melting when he wrapped his arms around her. He gently nugged her in the direction of the bed but she seemed to snap out of her trance.

"I can't do this." She said quickly. She backed away from him so she stood between the bed and the wall. She knew that he would never hurt her. She wasn't scared of him. She was scared that he wouldn't want her.

"I'm sorry, Mer." He looked down scared that she might be angry with him. He knew that he might have gone too fast.

"No, its my fault." Derek quickly stepped closer to her. It wasn't her fault but he had to show her. He raised the t-shirt away from her body which made her tense up quickly until he brought it back down around her head. He helped her get her arms throught the sleves. She looked up at him in suprise. He wrapped his arms around her now clothed body.

"Its not your fault." He kissed the top of her head. "Its fine." He tilted her head up so she looked him in the eye. "I have no problem waiting. I just want to be near you." She smiled and nuzzled into his chest.

"I just don't want my first time with you again to be in a fifty cent bra and underpants that came in a five pack." She didn't know what he was going to say. He had always commented on how good she looked in pretty panties and a sexy bra. Now she didn't even have the body to make up for it.

"You know that you don't have to be self concious infront of me." He said as he squezzed her tighter and kissed her on the head. "None of that matters to me. But if you want to we can go shopping tomarrow and you can get what ever you want."

"You don't need to do that."

"Yes, I do. Because if you don't feel good, then I don't feel good."

"You really are dreamy." She said quietly.

"Will you sleep next to me tonight?"

"I've never wanted anything more."


	19. Chapter 19

Meredith and Derek walked into the large open mall. Derek was pushing the stroller while keeping an arm around Meredith's waist.

"So do you want to go into New York and Company and we will go to the childrens place. I think she is about to bust out of her newborn to three months cloths." Derek asked. The two stores were right across from each other.

"Sure" She said with a smile. Last night had been perfect. They had gotten a good four hours of sleep together before Liz woke up. She was right when she had said that he wouldn't be able to handle it. When he went to get her she seemed to scream louder than she was before. But as soon as he laid her down in between the two of them, she fell right to sleep. Meredith liked it better that way. She liked to have her right next to her while they both slept. Derek thought he was going to roll over on to her but Meredith reasured him.

Everything seemed to be falling into place.

He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek before heading off into the store. Meredith walked over into her store and as she walked around she pulled out her cell phone.

"Hello Dr. Robertson's office. How may I help you?" Asked the secratary.

"Yes, I need to speak to him. Its a personal matter." She said while keeping an eye out for Derek.

"Please wait while I connect you." She picked up a sweater while she waited.

"Hello." Said Dr. Robertson.

"Hi, Dr. Robertson, its Meredith Grey."

"Its so good to hear from you again, Meredith. You know that you can call me Dave."

"I just wanted to call and say that I am back in town and I would love to get an appoitment as soon as possible."

"Of course." She could hear the flipping of an appoitment book. "How is two tomarrow for you?"

"Thats great. I will see you then."

"Ok, we are happy to have you back."

"I'm happy to be back." She said as she hung up the phone.

Soon she had picked out some new clothes and somethings that Derek would appreciate.

"Did you find everything ok?" The cleark asked.

"Yes thank you." She said as she fished through her purse for her credit card.

"Your total comes to one hundred and thirty three dollars."

"Oh, wow." She said as she handed her the card.

"Um," The cleark leaned closer to her. "Your card has been rejected." She wispered.

Everything had been so perfect. This problem just slipped her mind. Everything was getting better.

And now her world was crashing down.


End file.
